The Second Day - Refiner's Fire

Ever since our major life change following Todd's layoff and the end of our lives as we knew them, I have slowly been crawling towards some kind of understanding, some kind of belief that we are on an upward trajectory, however minimally inclined. Then I have weeks like this one, where just when I feel positive about a new step taken, another opportunity to explore, a positive habit begun, then the wave comes to suck me under again. It can be external or of my own making, but it's real and it's there and again I am out to sea, without my bearings and without my breath.

Today's reading included this line in the closing prayer, "Hold me to the fire long enough to know myself truly. . ." and I thought, seriously, I think I have sufficient self-knowledge at this point, could we perhaps be done with this fire business?  I'm not sure what I really think about the idea of the refiner's fire. Does God truly test us, deliberately, to break us down to our most elemental structure? It seems a bit petty and small. Or is it that this is the nature of things in the creation and so we are not so much refined as eroded? And if it is part of the plan of God or nature that we be tested to our limits, does everyone experience this testing? Is it merely an illusion that some people live lives of relative ease while some face constant challenges? And if I knew the answers to those questions, would it make me any more wise or would I make different choices?

Probably not. So why contend with the questions? I suppose when bad things happen in life, we search for meaning, we want justification. We want a compact lesson delivered by a cucumber and tomato, preceded by a catchy jingle. The idea being that if we knew the WHY then everything would be fine. In fact, knowing the "why" of any unfortunate situation, presuming it even exists, is just as likely to make a situation worse rather than better. So often, the answer is a cosmic "because I said so" which as my four year old will tell you is about the least satisfying answer possible.

You cannot possibly know, until you have lived at the vulnerable edge of our society, due to financial hardship, job loss, illness or other polarizing life events, just how little it takes to send you off course. When you have no roots, the wind can blow you wherever it likes, and you have little to no defense against whatever comes. You cannot stand up for yourself when the ground beneath you is constantly shifting and for better or for ill, I seem to have become an expert in going where the wind takes me.

Perhaps this is what makes the fire preferable. Being shaped by the wind feels like nature's erosion. Indifferent, cruel and arbitrary forces work on my exposed form. A fire has purpose. Rather than mere wearing down and eventual decomposition, a fire transforms matter. There is no way to know while I am in the midst of the struggle whether I am being disintegrated or translated. My only choice is the choice of faith. I choose to hope for transformation in the fire.